The Dilemma of Close Parking

When it comes to parking, a question lingers on the minds of many drivers: how close is too close? Determining the perfect distance between vehicles can be a tricky challenge. Take, for instance, a recent sighting in Toronto where a Kia was parked uncomfortably close to a Honda, with absolutely no space to spare—not even a sliver of light could slip between their bumpers.

The Kia driver seemed to embrace a philosophy reminiscent of Grace Jones’s classic advice from the '80s. With the Honda parked just shy of a driveway, the Kia decided to assert its presence and 'pull up to the bumper,' unfortunately causing physical damage in the process. The situation left curious onlookers, like myself, wondering about parking etiquette in the city.

Interestingly, there's no legal standard dictating the amount of space you should leave between parked vehicles; however, a comfortable buffer of about half a meter is generally advisable. Ultimately, the decision lies solely in the hands and skill of the driver. Each parking situation draws a parallel to the age-old question of speed: 'How fast can you run?' The answer generally depends on what’s pursuing you!

The Various Classes of Close Parking

While the Kia’s aggressive parking may sound extreme, it's not as uncommon as one might think. Close parking could be categorized similarly to airfare types; here are five distinct classes of close parking that you'll encounter:

1. **Half Box:** This maneuver occurs when a vehicle parks tightly against another's rear bumper, but the vehicle in front still has enough room to drive away. The Kia exemplified this scenario.

2. **Full Box:** In a classic Full Box scenario, two cars park in front of and behind a vehicle with almost no space between them—making an escape require a complex 37-point turn, a frustrating and often humorous ordeal for the trapped driver.

3. **Side Box Flex:** In this case, two cars park too closely on either side of a third vehicle, leaving that driver no means of entering their car other than through a potentially inaccessible window or trunk.

4. **Premium Full Box Ultra:** This rare maneuver traps a car so completely that the driver cannot escape even after a complex multi-point turn. This situation recently befell actor Ben Affleck, who found his Mercedes immobilized in Brentwood, California.

5. **Premium Side Box Flex Prestige:** Here, a car is sandwiched between two others, while a fourth vehicle parks directly across from its exit, leaving the trapped driver both unable to enter and unable to leave.

The Moral Implications of Close Parking

The eventuality of bumping into the offending vehicles is often the only way for a driver to escape from a Full Box or Premium Full Box Ultra situation. However, the Premium Side Box Flex Prestige offers no such recourse, leaving the driver utterly vulnerable.

Beyond mere inconvenience, close parking raises a moral question. Consider it the antithesis of goodwill—akin to yanking the coffee from the person behind you in line. It’s essentially a display of contempt, generating bad karma in the parking lot universe.

Finding Solutions in Parking Predicaments

While the practice of close parking can be infuriating, hope exists for those entangled in such predicaments. In 2018, a clever Brazilian police officer demonstrated an ingenious technique for extracting a vehicle from a Full Box scenario without inflicting damage—utilizing a combination of steering, engine revs, and clutch control.

So what should you do if you find yourself stuck in a parking nightmare? My advice? Seek out a Brazilian police officer! This seemingly mundane aspect of driving reveals the complexities and quirks of urban life, reminding us all of the fine line between convenience and chaos on the roads.