If you’ve ever faced bullying or social exclusion as a child or teen, you understand the long-lasting scars it can leave. I am no exception. For years, I’ve battled anxiety, low self-esteem, and persistent feelings of inadequacy—all of which I can trace back, at least in part, to the bullying I experienced at school. Although therapy provided some relief, the memories of those painful experiences lingered, shaping my identity and interactions well into adulthood.

In 2019, while taking a break from work, I found myself reflecting on a girl from seventh grade who had rejected me. The sting of that betrayal resurfaced, prompting me to wonder if she had ever regretted her actions. This curiosity sparked an idea: what if I were to reach out to my former classmates—bullies and bystanders alike—to explore their perspectives on our shared experiences in middle and high school?

Thanks to social media, I easily located many of my peers and began sending them messages about my project. To my surprise, I received a warm and eager response from most. While some expressed that their memories of those years were hazy, others couldn't wait to share.

So far, I’ve interviewed roughly 30 women, uncovering stories that have both shocked and inspired me. One of the most eye-opening revelations was the cyclical nature of bullying—how often those who lash out are grappling with their own pain. One of my former tormentors, initially hesitant to engage with me, eventually reached out to apologize. She revealed her own struggles: a difficult home life that had led her to pick on others. Hearing her vulnerability helped me find the compassion to forgive her, providing healing for both of us.

Conversing with peers painted a vivid picture of the complex social dynamics at play during our school years. One former cheerleader recounted the cruel treatment she endured from her friends, as forced competition within the group left her distrustful of women for decades. A once-popular girl shared her guilt over a time she had participated in excluding a classmate, leading her to reach out and apologize years later—an act that brought emotional closure.

Interestingly, my discussions with many athletic classmates revealed that sports often provided a shield against social pressures. “Being good at sports gave me confidence and credibility," one athlete remembered. For some, the ability to connect across cliques during team activities helped them feel secure during tumultuous social times.

But not all is what it seems. Many who appeared to be thriving wrestled with feelings of isolation. One confidante, whom I had admired for her looks and athletic prowess, revealed how deeply she felt like an outsider, recalling an embarrassing incident at a dance that left her devastated and insecure.

I originally thought that the most bullied students would want to vanish from those memories, but I managed to connect with a few. Their stories were heartbreaking; one woman described being tormented throughout school and the refuge she found in a new group of friends perceived as 'the hippies.' Another recounted a tumultuous path through school, which included moments of becoming a bully herself in a desperate bid for strength.

These interactions forced me to reflect on my own past behavior. There were moments I chose to hide in victimhood, failing to recognize the admiration some classmates had for my talents. I also had to acknowledge times I had been unkind, gossiping and ostracizing others to maintain my social status.

Collectively, these conversations illuminated a complicated web of emotions that many of us navigated. I learned firsthand that even seemingly confident individuals can harbor insecurities, and that genuine connection often goes unrecognized. The rangy impact of our shared experiences has provided me with a newfound understanding and empathy.

This journey toward reconciliation has been as healing for me as it has been enlightening. I’ve finally let go of the resentment that had held me captive for so long. It’s a revelation that these women—once seen solely as my adversaries—were navigating their own intricate battles. And in confronting these ghosts from my past, I’ve also challenged my insecurities, confronting the false narratives I had built around popularity and social acceptance.

While I recognize that not everyone will find closure through revisiting their past, this project has allowed me to reclaim my narrative. I’ve emerged a more self-assured person who views social dynamics through a compassionate lens rather than one clouded by judgment. It's a transformative journey that I hope inspires others to seek connection and healing, wherever they may find it.

In sharing my experiences, I strongly encourage others to reflect, confront, and reach out, if they feel ready. Whether the outcome is closure, forgiveness, or simply a better understanding of our childhood dynamics, the process can result in profound personal growth and emotional release.